bardo awakening
The last thing I remember
is the whooshing sound of water and wind
as I struggled to keep afloat,
and watching
as my beloved ship,
the Rate Magnum, slipped out of view
and into the depths of the sea.
She was a good ship,
but the storm was wild and fierce,
and in the end, more powerful than she
(or her captain) could bear.
I must have blacked out.
I am lying on my back at the bottom of the sea.
I am paralyzed.
I can feel the weight of the entire ocean
pressing down on me from above.
I can see a school of fish shimmering in the distance,
perhaps millions of individuals
dancing as one, into and out of my view.
My skin and lips are pruning up,
tightening. something moves near me
and stirs up a cloud of sand,
the grains take their time settling
as they sway gently with the currents,
rising up, spreading out and dispersing,
before finding someplace new
to finally set down on the cold sea floor.
I had passengers with me,
other people on the same journey,
but I can't remember their names,
and I don't know where they are now.
They have been scattered
by the storm and deep ocean currents,
just like the tiny grains of sand.
Out of the darkness, I see two glowing red dots,
like eyes.
my god, they are eyes.
they belong to some strange species of fish.
it is one of those glowing fish
with teeth
that lives down here in the depths,
where people don't travel much.
more strange fish appear,
their luminescence providing a multi-layered
texture of neon lights.
I am fascinated, and a little bit frightened too.
I gasp and the last bit of breath escapes my lungs,
three tiny pockets of air
rising to the surface.
I begin to follow them.
I rise up and out of my body
leaving it on the ocean floor as I float upwards.
As I near the surface,
I can begin to see the full moon.
I first see the light reflected like a disc on the water.
I move towards it.
I slip past the surface of the water
like melting into a fine film of air
and continue to rise.
I feel lighter.
I rise up so high
that I can see the curvature of the horizon line
at the edge of the sea.
the darkness in the sky gives way to soft light
and the sun's rays brush past.
I rise higher.
I leave the earth far below,
and move past even the moon.
the sun appears as a giant fireball,
but I move past that too,
and into the blackness of outer space.
all conceptual awareness,
all thoughts,
all dualities,
mother father, earth sky, time space,
me not me, is isn't,
all false binary opposites pass away.
language fails.
I linger in this process
of being
I do not grasp for the familiar.
I do not search desperately for names
and boxes to label,
or a self to do the labeling.
I am able to remain calm,
recognize this moment
and rest in this clearest of clear
clear light.
at least,
that's the story I'm hoping
to tell
